Sometimes it feels like the word gratitude is overused.
Like we can just fix that bad mood, that upset, the sadness, if we just wrote down all that we were thankful for.
I am not trashing the idea of practicing gratitude. I really believe that we need to have a laser focus on the good because our brains our wired to seek out the bad immediately.
I say this because I had an interesting experience lately that made me rethink how I approach gratitude and my past.
I was talking to my reiki healer and we were digging through past versions of Lisa, seeing what she might have needed to hear, what she has shown me.
As I sat there sniffling and crying my reiki healer said to me, I think you need to find gratitude for those past versions of yourself.
At the time it almost felt like gratitude was the wrong word, but as I sat with that statement and that thought, I knew I had to find gratitude, compassion, understanding for all of those previous versions of me.
See, I had always told myself that I must be really broken to have veered so far off the track of what I was “supposed” to do. I like control, because control meant I wouldn’t be hurt. By people calling me names, making fun of me or finding out that I wasn’t perfect.
In my head was always this long and detailed to-do list. With the implicit promise that if I followed and checked all the boxes, ____ would come. The blank changed so much over the years, but ultimately it was the fairly tale, the dream, the rom-com ending for my life.
I did really well checking things off my list and then, boxes were being skipped. Pretty soon it felt like some lists were almost done and others not a single box had been checked. Instead of seeing and celebrating the successes I had achieved, all I could see were the boxes left empty. My failures.
I denied myself a lot of living and a lot of experiences because I felt I hadn’t earned them yet. There was the weight I was always trying to lose, the relationship that never happened, the family I always thought I would have all slipping further and further away.
What past versions of me couldn’t see, was that the Universe was working for me this whole time.
While I saw a disappointed Lisa is her 20’s experiencing her first real heartbreak, I now sees the seeds of not settling for less than we deserve.
While Lisa in her 30’s still wondered if she would ever find someone and settle down, would ever figure out what she wanted to do as a grown up. I see how we checked off what we didn’t want which was helping me clearly see what I did want.
As I heal myself, I can see how had I completed my checklist, safe job, marriage, family, it might not have been good for me. I would have sacrificed my happiness, my wholeness, my peace to keep someone, something together that might not have been healthy for me. I would have sacrificed my wants and needs to keep others happy and the status quo moving forward.
My gratitude for past versions of me is that even in the midst of our despair we kept moving forward. That even if I couldn’t see it then we were always in pursuit of more. Her bravery to just keep trying is what makes me stronger today.
I am so damn proud and grateful for me. I have created for myself this ability to love and be happy with my own company. I am growing and cultivating the strength to create boundaries that are healthy and healing for myself. I am meant to be the one to start this generational healing within my family, to stop a path of self loathing, hating ourselves and settling for less than we deserve.
I always assumed I was too quiet, too shy, too mousy to change anything. It is true what they say, watch out for the quiet ones. I may not be the loudest in the room, but I will always love myself and those I fight for the fiercest.
So have gratitude for yourself even when you felt like you should have learned the lesson faster. You learned it exactly when you needed to.
Have gratitude for not only the success but the failure. The failure guided you on what to do next.
Have gratitude for the speed of your journey. Stop questioning the timing, you are exactly where you need to be. Just this once, sit back and allow yourself to enjoy your growing!
If you would like to chat about how find more gratitude, take care of yourself better, and just be more awesome, then hit that contact button and let’s chat!
